BETWEEN 2012 AND 2013, DR. TAMARA GRAY’S life changed dramatically. She had been settled in Syria for the last twenty years but was now back in Minneapolis, Minnesota, due to the country’s civil war. She was a well-known and sought-after educator in Damascus yet could not even get an interview here. She felt like a fish out of water. She wanted to stay positive and productive and spent the year writing essays on joyful faith and spiritual peace instead, which then went on to become an award-winning book called Joy Jots: Exercises for a Happy Heart. What Dr. Gray did not realize was that she had actually published a book on grief.

“I had white-knuckled myself through that year writing essays that were as much of a salve to me as they were to those who read them,” shares Dr. Gray, co-founder, executive director, and chief spiritual officer of a Muslim women’s and children’s educational non-profit called Rabata. “Deep thinking about faith helped me through my grief and became my [biggest] ‘joy jot.’”

Grief can manifest in many different shapes and forms. It is how we cope with the loss of anything or anyone, whether it be a relationship, job, home, or loved one. It is a very common aspect of life but is often misunderstood.

Farhan Ahmed is a licensed clinical professional counselor (LCPC) and founder of the non-profit organization Ihsan Coaching. He not only views grief as a normal and natural reaction to loss but also recovery from the loss itself.

“It’s not fair to put a timeline on how long it takes to recover from grief..”

though,” states Ahmed, who lives in Illinois with his wife and three kids. “Everyone is on their own grief journey and might not be ready. Some people need time to process the grief and accept it before they can seek help.”

The late psychiatrist Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross proposed that there are five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Yet Ahmed says that individuals may not experience these stages in a linear fashion—or any of them, for that matter.

“A person may not go through the anger stage,” Ahmed says. “For example, after seeing a grandmother suffer for a long time, you may be relieved to see her not in pain anymore. A Muslim might just accept it by saying ‘innā lillāhi wa innā ʾilayhi rājiʿūn’ [‘Surely to Allah we belong and to Him we will (all) return’ (Quran 2:156)] and go directly to the last stage or they could be dealing with denial or anger and may need professional help to process these very real emotions.”

This is where Dr. Lubna Qazi is at after losing her younger sister Nadia more than two years ago. She has gone from anger to sadness to denial repeatedly and has been seeking help to carry her intense level of grief. Nadia was thirty-six years old when she died suddenly from cardiac arrest.

“There were times I couldn’t even function,” recalls Dr. Qazi, a pediatrician and mom of three. “The shock has affected every aspect of my being, and our family dynamics have changed forever, both with my siblings and parents and with my husband and own children.”

Initially, Dr. Qazi took some time off from work and just turned inward. She did not want to talk to anybody or really see anyone besides her immediate family. She went into a deep depression and began seeing a psychiatrist and therapist.

How does an individual experiencing grief determine that professional help is needed? According to Ahmed, grief can lead to certain physical and mental symptoms, such as loss of health, high stress, weight loss, lack of appetite, depression, anxiety, endless thoughts, absentmindedness, or severe behavioral changes like seclusion and isolation, mood swings, or being less talkative/engaging less.

“Get help as soon as you possibly can,” Ahmed advises. “If you notice that your health is deteriorating and you can’t help yourself, then find the help you need to get yourself back on track.”

Ahmed breaks down some ways to process one’s grief:

  1. Gaining awareness: be aware of your emotional state
  2. Accepting responsibility: realize you are in control and can change your situation
  3. Identify recovery: figure out how you can help yourself
  4. Take action: physically move through that feeling of grief

He recommends being proactive, which can look different for everyone, and finding ways to release endorphins, whether through meditation, hiking, finding someone to listen to your feelings, seeking companionship, or exercising. Ahmed also suggests looking into cognitive behavioral therapy.

“The way you perceive and think of things: ‘I will never forget…‘I can’t move on…I’m permanently broken.’ Are you truly always broken? With these ‘absolutes,’ we unconsciously lose hope. We have to correct this. Say instead ‘sometimes my heart feels broken.’

“You may never forget, but you can move on. Talk to someone to restructure how you think about it,” says Ahmed.

“I have my clients write a letter about how they feel and what they would have liked to say when they lost the relationship. Processing the emotion is better than keeping it in because it will keep resurfacing. The more we talk about it [to the right people], the easier it becomes to work through the grief. And remember that spiritual and mental/emotional healing is all intertwined. Talk to Allah as He tells us in the Quran, ‘Truly, do hearts find peace only in the remembrance of God.’”

We also learn from Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him [PBUH]) that he sought refuge in God from grief. He used to say, “O Allah, I seek refuge with You from worry, grief, incapacity, laziness, miserliness, cowardice, debt, and being overpowered by [other] men.”

Founder and President of the Yaqeen Institute Dr. Omar Sulaiman states in his book For Those Left Behind: Guidance on Death and Grieving, “You are not supposed to move on from them. Instead, strive to move forward with them.” He goes on to give the example of Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) and how he never fully moved on after his beloved wife Khadijah passed away, always cherished moments with her, and kept her memory alive. Dr. Sulaiman goes on to encourage the reader to ask themselves if the deceased (their respective loved one) would be pleased with their idleness and lethargy, or would they want them to continue living as an active and productive force for good and keep their legacy alive?

For Dr. Qazi, not only does she have to deal with her own grief but also that of her children. Keeping Nadia’s memory alive has been part of the healing process for her. The children were so close to their aunt, and accepting her loss has been very difficult for them, especially for Dr. Qazi’s daughter.

“They still have their whole lives ahead of them,” realizes Dr. Qazi. “I’m trying to not show them my emotions but help them acknowledge their feelings through talking about her and journaling. Something that has helped me help them is writing a children’s book to honor her memory and their beautiful relationship with her called They Called Her Yaya. I want them to be more like her and learn from her example, and I hope they carry her life forward.”

Another aspect of grief Dr. Qazi has had to face is the guilt she feels at not being able to express her love more to her sister or not making the most of their time together. At times, she feels she took her for granted.

Psychiatrist and psychotherapist Dr. Shoaib Memon works with grief patients at his medical practice in Chicago. He states, “It is important to remember that all relationships have challenges and missed opportunities. Imagine what the deceased person would want for you: only positive wishes. Try to apply what you learned from these missed opportunities to the relationships you currently have with your spouse, kids, and co-workers.”

Grief is a part of who we are as humans, and Dr. Tamara Gray does not think that grief is a pathology that we need to cure. She believes it is an important emotion that we need to hold on to.

“It teaches us where real happiness lies,” writes Dr. Gray in Joy Jots. “It reminds us of the temporal nature of this life. And it humbles us. I am grateful for my grief.”

 

Tayyaba Syed is a multiple award-winning author, journalist, and Islamic studies teacher. She conducts literary and faith-based presentations for all ages, serves on the board of directors for Rabata, and is an elected member of her local school district’s board of education in Illinois, where she lives with her husband and three children. Learn more at www.tayyabasyed.com.